


your arms around me

by novakid



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, Post-Canon, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-27 22:04:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8418799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/novakid/pseuds/novakid
Summary: What's broken can always be fixed, but what's fixed will always be broken.





	

**Author's Note:**

> theres a lot of content of jake having to help piece dirk back together after sburb, but not the other way around. i wanted to try to write that.

Jake has always been the one to fidget. His hands are never still. They're always intertwining with each other, tugging at his jacket, or picking at his nail. He gets anxious easily. He gets claustrophobic. One of the perks for having an island to yourself was being able to go anywhere at anytime without telling anyone. Pure freedom. 

He hasn't told Dirk that sometimes, when he stays around the house for too long, it becomes too much. He doesn't tell Dirk he feels the need to rip at his own skin, or that he wants to run far away. Jake's usually not bound to his home for so long. He usually visits the other kingdoms. He has fun in the carapace kingdom with the Lalondes, Kanaya, and Calliope. Spending time with Jade and her friends is always a blast. Sometimes him, John, and Jade will play cards over a plate of warm cookies Mr. Crocker had made fresh. 

Jake's been home for more than he's use to. Dirk caught a cold, which _had_ to be taken care of. When he got over it, Jake caught it. Jake's sure that it's gone, aside from a cough he gets every so often. But his companion insists he stay until the cough is completely gone. 

He's been in the same house for about a month. 

He's laying in bed when he gets an awful itch to go out and DO something right at that moment. Not just laying around and watch movies or do work. He wants to get physical. Climb a tree, punch a rock, swim, run, roll around. 

Dirk, for the first time in a long time, is slumbering peacefully on his side. A rare sight, with how much Dirk works. It's non stop with him. They quite literally have all the time in the world, but Dirk, with his vibrant orange eyes, _tired_ orange eyes, can never take his eyes off a project. Not until it's done, anyway. His head is rested against his chest and his arm is slung around Jake's torso. Calling it a prison would be too harsh, but nothing else comes to mind. 

He adores Dirk. It took years to mend what they had lost. Giving each other space, taking each others time, talking. Or, trying to talk. Jake still has difficulty saying exactly what's on his mind. He takes what comes to him and that's that. 

That's how it's always been. 

Jake doesn't realize he's squirming and shifting until, to his horror, Dirk groans and wakes up. Guilt on top of anxiety does not mix well in Jake's stomach. 

"Hey, dude?" He says softly. He's really beautiful when he's on the bridge of consciousness, not quite alert but definitely awake. "What's up? There a bed bug or something?"

"No, no. I'm sorry, I'm okay." Jake is biting his lip harder than what could pass by 'okay' if it was bright enough for Dirk to see. "I can't seem to fall asleep."

"Nightmares?"

He shakes his head. Since the game ended, he has had nightmares. So has Dirk. His has died down significantly the past few years. They still occur, but he's thankful that they're not as frequent. Dirk, on the other hand, has nightmares whenever he sleeps alone. He hardly sleeps, but when he does, Jake always tries to be by his side. (He really does try, but it doesn't always work out that way.)

"I suppose I just... My thoughts are always running full speed ahead. Jumbling up like no one's business." He's technically not wrong.

Dirk yawns softly and lifts his head, trying to get himself to wake up more. Jake pushes his head back onto his chest. Dirk doesn't resist. He lays his head back onto Jake and holds on tightly. Jake thinks that he's fallen asleep again, until he speaks up. "If you want to talk about what's on your mind, you can."

That's the last thing Jake wants to do.

"I just can't sleep." His hands are shaking.

A small groan. "You don't have to. I can stay up with you."

More guilt. "You're exhausted, though."

"I can stay up."

"I don't want to impose..."

"Jake." Dirk lazily slaps his hand on Jake's cheek. It doesn't hurt at all. In fact, it was more tender than usual displays of affections that Dirk intends to be deliberate. He's so fucking tired.  "I'm staying up. I just needa... Wake the hell up." He stretches against Jake. Even then, his arms and legs stretch over him. There's always so much of him. Jake would be feeling thankful and grounded if his heart wasn't thumping painfully in his chest. When he finishes Dirk stretch, he plants a sloppy kiss on Jake's cheek. And then another one. "Help me wake up?" His voice is soft, and Jake knows what he's after. 

He doesn't complain. He  _did_ wanted to do something physical. 

Jake easily rolls until he's on top of Dirk. His hands roughly (he doesn't mean to be rough) grab at Dirk's biceps and their lips smash together. Contact and pressure; Jake has gotten so use to them that he almost uses it as a vice. 

Dirk reciprocates. He grabs onto his shoulders and kisses Jake back. He loves the closeness. Dirk loves touching him and kissing him and marking him and fucking him. It's who he is. Unlike Jake, who is passive and soft spoken, who doesn't speak up about what he wants or needs, Dirk is passionate and aggressive. He says what he wants and he takes it. They've both been trying to get better about those particular flaws. Dirk forces himself to ask instead of take. (Jake still needs to learn to ask instead of not saying anything at all.)

Jake's breathing is heavy, and he's sure that it's less because of their kissing and more because of how confined he feels. The walls are closing in, and even Dirk can't distract him from it all. Dirk doesn't notice though. How could he notice? Jake never told him, and it's so easily mistakable for a natural reaction in the heat of the moment. 

He needs a distraction. Kissing isn't enough. Sometimes sex is. So he has Dirk fuck him. 

It's an easy transition. The kisses already had Dirk half hard. Coaxing him is simple. Palming his erection, grinding against his leg, whimpering his name. Dirk loves the sounds Jake makes. He loves when he whines and moans and chokes out pleads. In no time, Jake is on his back with his legs over Dirk's shoulders, being slammed into with all the fierceness that could be mustered. 

I love you, I love you, I love you. That's what Dirk says again and again and again. Jake is overtaken with the warm feeling in his core. It definitely distracts him. 

The warm feeling is soft and smooth like warm sap. The tension is practically liquid in the afterglow. But then Jake collects his thought, and the sap turns to hard amber again. Dirk falls asleep on him once again and Jake is left with his eyes wide open. 

* * *

 

Jake's not beside Dirk come morning. 

It's a bad habit, disappearing without warning. A habit he's been trying to break out of. A habit that he hasn't done in a long time. He's been doing so well. 

Jake knows Dirk is awake when his phone blows up with messages. 

"I get that being on the move is your thing," Over the phone, Dirk's voice is... trying to be level. It's obvious he's pissed. "But we've fucking talked about this. I don't mind where you go or for how long. I just want a goddamn heads up. I want to know where you're going, I want to know if you're safe."

Jake hears the unsaid words in his head; _I want to know that you don't hate me when I wake up in an empty bed._

He apologizes to Dirk, words soft and noncommittal. "Yes" and "Sorry" and "It won't happen again". Things to say when one no longer wants to continue the conversation. It only makes Dirk more upset. He hangs up. (Dirk can't stay mad at Jake for long, he'll forgive him and all will be forgotten.)

Walking along the beach many miles away from home, Jake can see sand bars. He always loved low tide on his island. It was always a sign he could go out farther without a beast waiting to slaughter him on the spot. Jake goes out to it. He stands in the damp sand just to feel it between his toes. 

He thinks for a moment. 

The thought of being a god is terrifying. In that moment, it's more terrifying than death. 

He think about drowning. High tide is on its way. 

Jake lays down on the sand. The water comes up to his ears. The sun shines on his dark body. The water soaks his shirt and shorts. He feels warm. Whatever starts feeling too hot is being cooled by the water. 

The water rises. 

Jake's eyes are closed. He feels content at the feeling. 

Drowning is tricky. No matter how much Jake could have possibly wanted it, instinct takes over. He can't help the knee jerk reaction of sputtering when he's out of breathe. He's desperately sitting up and coughing out water. He can't breathe, it's all in his lungs, and his anxiousness is tightening his chest further. 

After hacking up all the water he can, Jake sits up. He looks down at his lap, and there's something in his chest. It's not the tightness of the anxiety attack or almost drowning. It's hollowness, sadness, self-pity, and guilt. 

He feels so much guilt. 

It wouldn't have been just or heroic. But if it had been either, he'd be gone for good. He'd leave behind everything. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad if he had nothing to leave behind. Jane is busy with her business and success. Roxy had a whole kingdom to run. A real kingdom of carapaces, and not just a bunch of silly consorts. Despite their closeness, Jade would be fine without Jake. Dirk would be...

Maybe that's why he was feeling so guilty. Dirk. Of course, it's always Dirk. He got distressed whenever he couldn't find Jake in their own home, let alone when Jake just up and left to go outside. He knew he only worried because he cared. 

That's what hurt. All of it hurt. 

It isn't _fair._

He can't be settled and happy in his home. He can't be settled and happy in _his body_. The claustrophobia didn't just apply to walls of a house, it applies to his own damn skin. Every single vile part of him feels disgusting and pathetic. Jake is a leech, and nothing but. 

His chest feels like it was sinking into itself. He should stop this endless cycle of making himself feel awful. 

But how? Taking big, deep breaths like google suggests? It doesn't work when every breath makes him dread more and more. 

But it was all he could do. So he sat and breathed and dreaded. More, and more, and more. 

* * *

 

When Dirk finds Jake, it's dark out. He moved from his spot when the tide came up too high, but he still sat on the beach, close enough for the tide to come in and lap at his toes. 

"I can guarantee you that you're going to be sick again." Jake looks up at Dirk. He's soaking wet and shivering, but that was never his concern. "Ah uh. A salamander came to me telling me you were hanging out here for a long ass time. I figured I should... check up on you." 

"Thank you." He says it soft and tired. Would Dirk be able to hear it over the ocean waves? He's not sure. Dirk doesn't acknowledge it. Instead, he goes to Jake and pulls him up. Gets to feel first hand how badly he's shaking, shivering. He's not sure of the difference, but he suspects that shivering is because of the cold while the shaking is not. 

Pitiful. Dirk can't help but to pull Jake in his arms, tight. Warm. Jake leans into it. It had been a prison hours ago. Right now, it's his only sanctuary. 

"I'm sorry." He murmurs into Jake's ear. "I shouldn't have yelled at you. I get that sometimes you just... need to go."

"I don't blame you." Jake holds onto Dirk tight. "I would have yelled at me too."

"You don't need to be scowled at. You need to be asked on how I can help you. I want to help you." As they lean forward to hold each other, their cheeks press against each other. "I never want you to feel upset. Or sad, or lonely. I want you to feel safe enough to tell me whats wrong, and to let me help you." 

Jake swallows a lump in his throat. "That's what I want from you too."

"Is it?" 

Jake pull away to nod. Dirk shakes his head and holds his face. Brings him into a long, deep kiss. 

"Don't force yourself to ask, but please, ask when you can. Ask, tell, scream. I don't care. Any option is fine, I love your voice." Dirk kisses your head when you hang it. "I love your smile. I want you to be happy."

"I want you to be happy too. " It hurts. Jake's chest hurts. It hurts because he doesn't know whether or not he can give Dirk what he wants. 

"You make me happy without even trying to try." His calloused fingers brush Jake's hair back. "I'm happiest when you are." 

Jake's chest feels like it's melting. "Everything is so hard."

"It is." Dirk cups his dearest's face as he shivers against him. Dirk's warmth draws the other in, and Jake's sure that he's the one who is melting him from the inside. "I'll be by your side to help you every step of the way. If you'll let me."

"You. I'll let you. You can. You have me, Dirk." Jake is pressing his whole body into him. "You have me. I'm sorry, I-"

"Jake." His two thumb's smooth over dark cheekbones. "Tell me what you want." 

Jake's mind goes blank for awhile as he tries to find the words. "I. I'm cold."

"Yeah."

"I want your arms around me. To hold me."

"I got you." Dirk straightens up proper, but his arms are still around Jake. Dirk's pulling him with him, and walking him home. "I've got you, Jake."

What was a prison isn't just a sanctuary anymore. It's an open world. Vast and beautiful. Even if for tonight, Dirk's arms are everything to Jake. It might not be that way tomorrow, but it is tonight. 

Jake's amber heart is sap once more. 


End file.
